TW-CW: Sexual assault // physical assault
It takes an audastic mother fucker to use someone's trauma against them. It takes a cruel human being to use someone's trauma against them. It takes a sad, pathetic, emotionally unintelligent person to use someone's trauma against them.
I have scars. A lot. There's emotional scars, physical scars, soul scars. The physical scars hit a little bit different for me. I can try and almost succeed in hiding some of the emotional scars, not many are looking for those anyway. But my physical scars are visible on my body. And they are a reminder of my attack every day I look into the mirror. Are they healing? Ar e they less purple than the day before? And they are impossible to hide when letting a person intimately see you. I have not been with anyone physically since the attack til recently. Let's call him,"Ralph".
I started seeing Ralph and told him about my attack. He was aware there were scars and that I was truly nervous, self-conscious and embarrassed for anyone to see them. He assured me I was in a safe place. He even traced the scar on my arm with his finger and told me I'd never be hurt again. He did that. So here we are, a month or two later when we are in an argument and he says to me, sarcastically, "Well, it's obvious you make good choices, just look at your chest!" Um. Excuse me? What the FUCK did you just say to me? I know that didn't just come out of your mouth! But yes it did. Yes. It. Did.
And I said. "We are done. Leave me alone. " And I hung up immediately. Now, he called over and over and texted over and over (yes, I got receipts), apologizing. But that's not something to be forgiven, ever. Ever, never. Unforgivable. To take something I trusted you with, something so personal and raw, and use it as an insult in an argument. It's childish and disgusting. You are a disgusting person, Ralph. I cried that night. And I don't cry often enough as I should, but hey- trauma, what can I say? But I cried so hard and so loud, I thought my neighbors were gonna call the police. I sobbed and I couldn't catch my breath, my eyes burned from the tears and makeup. I let out ever gurgle, breath, gasp, wail, cry, scream and "why?"
Those words hurt just as much as the blade against my skin the night of my attack. And because it was from someone I thought cared about me and respected me and that I trusted... it hurt that much more. It wasn't a stranger. It wasn't some person at a party. It wasn't some person that was cowardice enough to drug me, rape me, hit me, strangle me and cut my body up with a box cutter. It was someone I trusted that said it.
So when I say "I'm done.", I meant that. You are a shit person, Ralph. That night I re-experienced my trauma and all the guilt, blame, shame, embarrassment, powerless, scared emotions I had that night and every day after. This is the ultimate example of "victim blaming".
So, I promise you that when you sent the text to me today that read,
"I'm sorry you feel that way. I just really wish you could have seen how i felt about you and how truly happy you made me and why you are worth fighting for"
.. it means absolute fuck all to me. Am I supposed to feel honored or grateful that you feel those things? I don't. That's gaslighting, my man. And it's manipulative. Don't let these fools out here get you to believe this crap. Don't fall for it. A person that truly cares and respects you, would never, ever take your trauma and use it against you. They'd never ridicule your heartache. They'd never say or do anything to re-traumatize you.
This is the first time I've ever written about what happened. Until this post (if anyone ever reads it) only a small handful of people know it even happened. I suppose it's cathartic. It definitely sucks that it took an experience like this to push me to write it down, but it is what it is.
Blu
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