Spirit decided today was the day for releasing and cleansing. I've had a couple deep, important conversations with both my kids recently. We are working through some things. I get to work and when the elevator opened, tears started to fall. I was at my max. I realized the words I was saying and typing to them were all the things I wanted and needed to hear when I was hurt. It had come full circle. I am THAT person and I'm so proud of myself! Especially when my family was "worried" about me having kids in the first place because "of how I am". What the fuck does that even mean? Cold? Withdrawn? Irresponsible? Unable to connect? Aggressive? Ohhhhh you mean autistic. So worried, in fact, that they UN-estranged themselves from me when they found out I was pregnant. Can you imagine the audacity for them to believe that the baby needed THEM so he wouldn't be neglected? Laughable.
It's simple. I'm a better parent. A better person. A better friend. I live authentically and love unconditionally.
I remember when I escaped my abusive boyfriend I had when I was 14-16 years old. You know, she told me she didn't ever want to know the details. She said it was over and that was that. She doesn't know or want to know what all I went through; what all happened to me, how it changed me.... scarred me. I'll save those details for another day. It's just too much today. But I never got to talk about it, or be held, or be told I would be okay. I never heard, "I love you. We will figure it out together. You're not alone. I'm here for you". I needed safety and I was met with cold dismissal. So I stuffed it down. I let it change me but I didn't know any better. After that, I never told them any of the things that have happened since in my life. They have no idea what I have survived.
Realistically, I know my kids are going to go through things. They HAVE been through things. I can't shield them from life, but what I can do, is BE there for them. They'll never have to be alone. They will be loved and cared for and more importantly, SHOWN they're loved.
So yeah, healing hasn't been easy, but neither has surviving. We can't choose what has happened to us, but we can work on healing from it. Sadly, both my parents have never even tried to heal from their wounds. They haven't done the work, felt the feelings and processed through it to be better. At this point in life, it's a choice. You are a grown ass adult that knows how to access resources. If you wanted to, you would. I did. They dumped their pain and their maladaptive coping mechanisms onto me.
Where are we now? Estranged again. I'd say almost a year with no communication. I removed myself from the text group chat months ago and no one has even noticed. And I don't care. I cannot... I DO not want to be influenced by unhealed, damaged, abusive, neglectful parents. Get yourselves together. I choose to move forward, alone.
My spirituality keeps me going. I have received so many blessings from doing the work. Working on myself, changing myself, being better, reaching goals, staying focused. And the blessings keep on coming.
I'm not sad that they aren't in my life. They never really have been. I'm sad for my inner child who needed safety they didn't want to provide.
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