Today just wasn't a good day. I'm irritable and in so much pain. Whatever I have is causing pain all over my body. I feel a migraine in the distance, my bones hurt, my skin hurts, my hair hurts. I feel panicked, short of breath and just want to scream out of frustration. Yes, this is overstimulation. Of every sense imaginable. It's days like this that I see just how short my lifespan is going to be. When everything in and on your body hurts, it's hard to see otherwise.
I was social today. I had a dinner date with Ginny. Always a good time. And I have a dinner tomorrow (well later today) with Timmy and Rachael. I'm super psyched for that too. I have to force myself to be social because each day it gets easier and easier to disappear into my own head.
I really hope after some sleep I feel better. My arms are itching something awful! Like WTF is that? Why do I get itchy when I get anxious? Or is it the other way around? I don't know. I'm so tired of thinking about it and researching and wondering. It's exhausting. Whatever is happening, I realize I am overstimulated and need to calm my body down. My skin is so sensitive, it hurts to rub my hand across.
I do have major issues with touch. Some days I crave it and other days the very thought of a hug makes me want to vomit because of how painful it will be. It's better to be alone and isolated than to try to explain to a partner or friend why I can't tolerate a hug or an arm around my shoulder some days and other days, I can't get enough touch. It's inconsistent and people don't do well with that. Hell, it even frustrates me.
I took some advil, hoping that it at least helps my headache. That's what I'm betting my death will be from. Fucking OTC NSAIDS. My stomach is already eaten up. Those precancerous cells they found a few years ago are probably ripe now. I just can't care. I can't live in such intolerable pain. It doesn't matter what option I pick, it's not healthy. So I'd rather not live everyday in pain if I can help it. So, for the years I do have left, I'm gonna try to just survive. There isn't any other option.
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